In the years that Paul spent living with his family after arriving in Canada his fields of operation were several. There was home, school, and the neighbourhood. Because he was an intelligent boy, he was able fairly quickly to pick up his new language and find a niche for himself at school. There, like at home, he engaged in struggles for attention and to experience some sense of power in his relations with teachers and other kids. His behaviour led to conflicts, recriminations, and further frustrations both at school and at home. Outside of school he would escape family bounds by engaging with a series of local kids, playing baseball or other sports with them but never staying long enough with any group to develop deeper loyalties and friendships.
As an adult Paul maintained a similar pattern: domestically with a partner he engaged in a dance similar to that played out with his mother. At work he did well though was always involved in some form of struggle with a co-worker or boss -- not enough conflict to threaten his job security, but enough to maintain a level of personal stress and to justify his conviction of being unjustly treated. Apart from being with his girl friend Paul’s social life consisted of playing or watching sports with other men, more and more frequently as he grew older, at a bar. He studiously kept all areas of his life separate from one another. Not having developed good relations with his father or brothers, Paul had no template from which to move beyond superficial connections with other men. Visits to his family were awkward and stressful and over the years became infrequent.
Because Paul’s world of intimacy was so narrow and chronically dissatisfying, I invited him to join a men’s group that I had been working with for a couple of years. Initially resistant, he did agree to come. At the time there were eight or ten men in the group. We met weekly for an hour and a half and would begin with a brief go-around in which each person would say a few words about how he was doing. The material for the group work would usually emerge from this introduction. I had often to remind the men not to make successes in their work lives the focus of their remarks, but to speak rather about incidents during the week that had troubled them, or about things they were struggling to understand. The cultural inhibition of men openly speaking about personal and painful things, in particular with other men, is very strong, however, and they needed constant reminders about why we were getting together.
Paul said little about himself in the group for some time but it impacted him powerfully nonetheless. He was experiencing for the first time being with men who would risk sharing vulnerable thoughts and feelings with one another. Issues that emerged in the group would resurface in his individual sessions as he gave himself permission to consider how they affected him. Someone might speak of difficult relations with a parent, a problem at work, or a conflict with a partner that would throw light on nuances of his own situation that he had not considered. A few of the men who had been together for awhile had developed a palpable sense of trust and support with one another. The security this afforded them in the group led to their encouraging and showing an interest in the newer people. This atmosphere was truly beyond Paul’s experience. It was hard for him to believe in and to be at ease with this aspect of the group for some time, but gradually he also began to relax his fears and to speak more directly in the group about his reactions to our talks. His input usually came in the form of acknowledgements toward the end of the group that he had experienced or felt things like those that others were elaborating upon. His comments almost always would be in a response to my asking those who had said little if they had any reactions to the material at hand. He remained reticent about his own issues.
During this period our private sessions had several foci, often examining the most recent events in his relationship with Jane and talking about his ways of dealing with his reactions, always looking at his motivations, justifications, and behaviour, always considering other ways that he could deal with the intensity of his reactions. But there were other areas to look at as well, especially that of the fears and suspicions of men that came more into his consciousness as he attended the men’s group. In our sessions we often made use of hypnotherapy for at least one portion of the hour. In the beginning it was very difficult for him to close his eyes and allow his focus to be within his body, with his breathing, rather than staying alert, watchful for any sign that I might intend to harm him in some way. Consciously, rationally, in his adult self, he was clear that I had no intention of doing so, but the conditioning of his nervous system and musculature was such that it took some months before he was able to more deeply let go in his body. As he did so he became more aware of the chronic tensions and anxieties with which he lived. He began also to experience a space of relative ease in the presence of another person. This kind of experience had been available to him only in periods of harmony with his mother, especially in his early life before they came to Canada. His other experience was during a “honeymoon” with a new girl friend when all was promise and delight, and later during their times of making up. Developing a relationship with a woman who was consistently present to him in our interactions and who had no personal needs or demands in the connection, was an important step for Paul toward greater emotional autonomy.
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